Dear Sir(s) or Madam(s),
You probably already know who I am so an introduction is unnecessary. And you can’t tell me who you are because if you told me you’d have to kill me (that’s a joke and I hope you will take it in the lighthearted spirit with which it was written).
I’ve recently come to understand that you have the ability to know everything about me, but of course you waste a lot of time analyzing all that data – not to mention the bazillion cat pictures I post – so I thought it might spare some time and effort if I just sent you the details of my day. You can corroborate them if you like. But that’s cool. I’m excruciatingly dull.
For example, I like to work. I mean really like to work. So I do it when I have to and I do it when I don’t have to. I think it may be an unhealthy obsession. Your thoughts? I used to get excited about going places on the weekend. Now I get excited about whatever project I’m working on and before I know it, I’m on line trying to figure out how to make my code work or I’ll think of something I forgot to do and next thing you know, the whole day is gone! Do you ever get like that? You know you always hear that government jobs are 9-5, but then the T.V. series and movies show you spy types working around the clock, no sleep, darkened rooms where there is no night or day. There is only the work. I wonder which is more real? If you do work around the clock, you may have the same problem I do. Do we need therapy do you think?
But I digress. By now you will know that I probably worked today. Well you could look that up, but it is unnecessary because I will tell you. I did. And I want to know who the sadistic fuckwit (hope you don’t mind a bit of cursing – I do have the tendency to use it like punctuation) was who created our software because I tell you, if you want to do something very complicated like a web service, it is easy to work with. But try to re-arrange fields on a screen? Hooo-boy! If you happen to know the answer to that question, just leave me a comment and provide some contact info so I can write the author of our software a strongly worded letter.
Let’s talk food. Today I had a piece of banana bread for breakfast, an Amy’s heat and eat for lunch (don’t ask me what kind – they all taste the same), a piece of cheesecake, a fruit and nut snack pack, three cups of coffee, and if you’ve turned on my web cam (God, I hope not – I look like hell today) you’ll have noticed I threw in a Hostess snack cake tonight. No sense hiding it from you 🙂 Now that I see my eating habits written down, I realize I must get better about eating healthy. See? You’ve helped me already.
In between eating and working I surfed a bit on my iPad. Did you all catch the Big Alligator video? I’ve watched it about 6 times and shown it to everyone I know. You know they spotted him in Lakeland at a preserve I am quite fond of. Such an awesome, prehistoric looking beast. Let’s see – I perused Atlantic Monthly and Rolling Stone – not too much there to write home about. Mostly stuff on Trump. Personally I am sick to death of politics and I skipped all that stuff. I also browsed the President’s pardon list but the only Big Name on the list was Chelsea Manning. Rather sad that she’s become suicidal. Now that they are letting her out, the big questions will – and remember, I predicted this first – is whether she’ll be gay or straight, who she will start dating, and when she will get her operation. She’ll be on Oprah. I am sure you are all worried about the data she leaked, but no one will remember that (except you guys, because you remember everything). The general public will just start salivating over her love life. Trust me.
Now the most interesting thing I found on the “interwebs” was the Top Ten Weird Sports. And of those Top Ten, my very, very favorite was the one about Extreme Ironing. It is where people take ironing boards, an iron, and a shirt and climb a mountain or skydive with it. Then they iron. They iron while skydiving. They iron on the top of sheer cliffs. They iron while white water rafting. There are photos. You should check it out.
Right now I am listening to Alex Winter talk about the Deep Web. It’s kind of interesting but not so much that I am going to keep listening to it. Usually when you get a good speaker and listen to a killer talk on YouTube, you go looking for more talks by that same person. Sadly, what I’ve found is that when there are more videos, the guy I loved so much the first time around, gives the same talk over and over. Perhaps the most interesting thing I’ve discovered via Mr. Winter is that he’s talking serious tech, but he was the guy that played in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.” Now what I am going to do after I finish this letter is go look up Mr. Winter to find out how the heck he went from being in “Bill and Ted…” to being a Deep Web expert. I’m very curious about that. How did that happen? You all probably know, but don’t tell me the punch line. I like to find things out for myself. The joy of discovery and all…
After I look that up, I will play Pet Rescue Saga until I find I’ve stayed up too late. I will get up in the morning and realize that I have yet again made a horrible judgment call regarding how much sleep a woman my age requires to function. Hence the three cups of coffee.
I do hope you have enjoyed this post. But be aware – this comes at a cost. The next time I lose my glasses (I do this about once ever few weeks) I’m counting on one of you to use your most excellent spy stuff to help me find them. Just leave a comment, send an email, knock on my door and say “They are right there dummy!” If you agree to these terms, I will continue to let you know about my day. Every day. Everything I can remember (oh, and I might ask you to look through your records and remind me of some of the stuff I forget – I’m old. Short term memory is not what it used to be.)
I hope you have a wonderful evening (or day or whenever you are reading this).